Interview

Maybe this day will be the hardest day of the year in coming years. This year, every day has been hard. But today seems like a meaningful day. An excuse to celebrate your life, or to openly grieve in the way we hide to show everyone that we are ok, we have not broken. The blessing of today is that all the firsts are over. We've celebrated every birthday, holiday, anniversary, and special occasion without you. And there's relief in that.

I have been saying all year that it would be easier for me if I had answers. I don't need to know about the chain of events on April 20th, 2011 anymore. I need to know what happened. And there is a difference. But what answers would I want to hear of I could talk to you one more time? What answers do I think I need that would make me feel better?

I know so many have questions of their own. Maybe my answers are their answers. So here you go. The conversation that I would have if I could, and the answers according to my imagination. My questions won't be written out, because in my imagination I sound like an adult in a peanuts cartoon. And because the questions hurt way more than anything else.

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No, I didn't drive to work that day listening to Johnny Cash's Hurt on repeat, my body wracked with sobs. I drove there calm, happy. I ate dill flavored sunflower seeds and listened to Born to Run.

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No, a phone call at 7:06am wouldn't have made a difference.

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This, like so many things in your life that you take personally, had absolutely nothing to do with you. You are enough- most of the time, you are too much- but sometimes things are bigger than you and I.

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I'm not in hell. I'm not in purgatory. I think my hell would be seeing you in the pain you're in. But every time it seems like you are heading in that direction, Jude and Aggie want to play another round of kickball. And I oblige.

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I can't answer that. But I can tell you that answers to questions like that won't bring you any peace. Anger and vengeance won't either. Look forward. I can't remember any wrongs that were done to me. Where I am, they don't matter.



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A tattoo won't honor me, it will piss me off. You know the rules- No tattoos and no Howard Stern. You can honor me by being kind and generous to everyone.You can honor me by being selfless and brave and honest. You can honor me by being loyal and having integrity. You can honor me by being the daughter I raised. You can honor me by never giving up- and by never believing that I did, either.

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Brian is the man I always wanted you to be with. Tell him to stop toasting me.

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If I could do it again, I wouldn't.