Novena

"The Novena to St. Jude Thaddaeus must be said six times each day for nine consecutive days, leaving nine copies in the church each day. Your prayer will be answered on or before the ninth day. It has never been known to fail!!!"

The first time I visited St. Jude was Ash Wednesday of this year. Aunt Judy had just passed away from every cancer known to man. I went to St. Jude so that I could have an excuse to text her daughter, Jenny. I wanted to somehow make her laugh. I accomplished it by sending her a picture of my ashes. You would have sworn someone put them on with their elbow. "The true church invokes you universally as the Patron Saint of things despaired of."

It seems odd to me that you were a baby in your family. You were always so much of a leader, so much of the glue. And you were so tall.  It was so easy to forget that these women you've always called "sweetheart," and made laugh like crazy, and took care of when things fell apart in their lives were your older sisters. But Judy was different for you. You leaned on her phone call after phone call while the rest of the world was sleeping. She read every page of your book and begged you for more. She somehow had earned the role of being your leaning post, while you were everyone else's.

I found myself in front of St. Jude again on your birthday this year. Sixteen days after you lost yourself so irrevocably that we lost you as well. St Jude Thaddaeus. The Patron Saint of Lost Causes. What would a man have to do to deserve the honor of sainthood and yet be remembered most for his despair? (If I were telling you this story in person, here is where I would take a hit off my imaginary joint and say "deeeeeeep.")

I went to St. Jude today. I decided to try the Novena. I'm not the best prayer; My mind jumps around despite my explicit wishes for it not to. Before I know it, I'm making grocery lists, having one-sided arguments with people, and checking my phone to see if the assholes I'm fighting with in my head have the gall to text me. And I have other concerns. Will it only work if I know exactly what I'm praying for? Because I don't. And do I have to choose just one? Because when I think about it, there are a million things I want. And not stupid things that can't happen, like you coming back to life. I mean, you were a great guy, but you were no Lazarus. I'm thinking more along the lines of being able to remember every funny memory of you, or having my kids know how awesome you were, or somehow finding out that you weren't in despair. That it's silly for me to be praying for a lost cause.

Eight days left. I'll let you know how it goes...