You and I normally speak every morning at 7:45am on my way to workout. But this morning, April 20th, 2011, I decide to walk with Brian (who was on his way to work) further than normal, and I figure I'll just call you afterward. I can't finish my run and end up on the elliptical. I"m tired. My life is hard. In my defense, it is the super cool elliptical that let's you do stairs too, but I digress. I decide that because I wimped out on my workout, the day is a wash, and go to BagleStix to get a bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel. I don't even do a whole wheat bagel. I get a plain one. I have my hands in the air and am waving them as if there are no repercussions.
I call you. No answer. Not a big deal. We just like to start our mornings with a few laughs. You"ll probably call me back at a time that will annoy me; like when I'm blow drying my hair. I won't answer and you'll leave a voicemail. Something like, "Oh, I'm Claire. I hate voicemails. Well, I'm dad, so I do whatever the hell I want."
As I am walking out of the bagel place at 9:11 am, I get a text from Brian. "Where you?" Weird. Brian emails during work. And never at 9:11. "On my way home from the gym." Yes, I purposefully leave out my breakfast. I'm a sneak-eater. There, I said it. Part of me truly believes that if no one sees me eat the bacon, egg, and cheese, the calories don't count. No response from Brian. I refuse to ask him why he asked. I have a history of freaking out over nothing. I'm going to change that habit. My resolve makes it three and a half blocks. I decide that maybe I can cover. "You are so weird sometimes." No response. "Is everything ok?" At this point, I'm in my apartment and it's bagel time. I don't even notice I haven't gotten a response. I do notice that there is a new episode of the Parenthood on the DVR. All I can think about is how I'm going to convince Brian that I didn't start watching it without him. I can only watch 15 minutes before I have to start getting ready for work, anyway. First bite is delicious. And this is the finale episode! Did that girl die in the car crash? The family is worried. And so supportive of one another. Second bite is better than the first. Door opens.
Shit! Caught eating my bagel and watching my program. AND not getting ready for work. Wait.
"Hey. Buddy. What are you doing home?"
He does not look good. Oh no, he got fired. He comes towards me. I stand up and hug him and he doesn't resist. This makes my stomach sink- Brian. hates. hugs. Oh no, he has end stage cancer. "I don't know how to tell you this buddy." Well, I sure hope you figure it out, because I have to get in the shower in three minutes to get ready for work. "Whatever it is, we'll work it out. Nothing we can't fix." I learned these words from my father. My 28 year veteran cop father. My hostage negotiator father. My endlessly loving, endlessly supportive, endlessly smiling, rock of a father. "I need you to sit down." Oh no, he got someone else pregnant. "You have to call your mom."
Oh, no I don't! That woman is already at work and she is busy. Besides, my mother and I have never been great on the phone.
"Why?"
"Something happened to your dad."
Mom's voice was very calm, very strong, and very sweet, but what she was saying was impossible. If anyone had asked me, "What's the worst thing that could happen?," this would have been my answer. "We lost him, sweetie." I look at Brian, who's looking at me with an expression I never want to see from him again. He knew. He knew when he came in. He knew when he texted me. He knew and had to try to tell me. I can't imagine how hard that must have been. And as hard as this moment is, I can tell he knows this is only just the beginning.
It's been three months. It's been three months and there's still so much left unanswered. Some questions just don't have answers, and I know that. But some do. And I hope the people with those answers have enough courage to come forward soon. Before everyone forgets. Before everyone moves on. Before everyone decides to accept the fact that we don't know what happened. What transpired between the text you sent me the night before, "God, I love your style, kid," and the next morning at 7:15am? You never missed a performance or ballgame. What could make you miss walking me down the aisle, seeing my children, seeing how long Damian's hair will grow? What could even make you miss the next phone call?
I promise to keep asking...
In the meantime, it's the three month anniversary- the paperclip anniversary. So I'm attaching a photo. The one in the talking picture frame you gave me when I went away to New York. God, I'm so lucky to have you laughing on that picture frame. 33.
Love you Claire...Thank you for sharing....Our family is very strong and as long as we stick together like glue we can get through anything. smooches
ReplyDelete